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7 Motorcycles for Those Who Can’t Stay Balanced

Thu, 30 Oct 2008

I remember my first bicycle. A blue frame with white handlebars and a long white banana seat for comfort. I was riding a Smurf. While I waited for my inner ear to develop, my dad strapped on training wheels to my two wheeled Smurf to keep me from face planting.

The comfort and safety of those training wheels… Riding with those on was like being back in the womb.

But, my co-workers here at work started making fun of me for being in my late 20′s and riding to work on a blue and white banana seated bike with training wheels so I decided to throw that bike into a river and never speak to my co-workers again.

Walking to work sucked so I did a little research on some more manly machines that didn’t need my inner ear and balance to stay up.

Here are 7 bikes I am looking into: Pal-V (Personal Air and Land Vehicle)

Holy crap! Not only will this cut my commute time in half but it will probably cut off my head when I forget there’s spinning helicopter blades coming out of my motorcycle. Check the site for a video of the land version. Unfortunately they haven’t been able to splice their gyro-copter with the 3 wheeled ground vehicle yet ( I think the key is to get them both drunk ) . Till then, I’ll be working on painting a giant ‘H’ on the roof of my apartment building. I also have a strange craving to bust out my old M.A.S.K. toys…

2008 Victory/Lehman Pitboss Trike

Here’s something a little more normal. It seems Victory knew there were people like me out there and wanted to help us unbalanced folk out. I am especially excited to see in that article “No need to worry about balance, just keep your legs on the floorboards and enjoy the comfortable ride.” Ahhh, what a relief! It also reminds me of the Big Wheel I had before my Smurf bike. I wonder if I can enter this gas powered version into the Big Wheel race down Lombard Street?

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Harley-Davidson Tri-Rod

Two wheels on the front, one in the back. I could get used to that though being able to lean into turns like a normal two-wheeler might freak me out a bit. I might put training wheels on the back of this one to keep me upright.

2008 Can-Am Spyder

Whoa, wait a minute. Didn’t we just look at this thing? Oh, I see. Can-am, the maker of Ski-Doo snowmobiles decided to strap on a couple of wheels to one of their rides. It doesn’t have the leaning capabilities of the Harley-Davidson but according to this video footage, you can still pull off burn-outs in residential areas.

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The Uno

This makes perfect sense. Instead of having MORE wheels to keep me better balanced, let’s take away a couple! The Uno, designed by an 18 year old student, has the technology and, I would say, black magic to keep you balanced on two wheels sitting side-by-side. While the Segway seems like fun to scoot around in airports and show off your black magic powered ride, I don’t know about traveling 60 mph down the freeway on something like this.

2008 GG Quadster

Do you know why tables are so stable? 4 legs, my friends.. Also, because the word “table” is in the word “stable”. Now take that table and stick a 167 hp engine on it and slap a tire on each leg and you have the GG Quadster… or a weird looking table… This is more what I’m talking about!

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Projet K-Pteron

I thought I saw one of these trimming the greens around the second hole of the golf course near my apartment while I was snorkeling for expensive golf balls. With a motor like that, it seems that keeping the course well kept would only take a few hours a week though all the grounds keepers would surely be fighting to cut the grass that day. I would’ve taken a closer look while at the golf course but I was chased off the premise by old men in plaid pants.

By Mark Prociw

See also: A Man of LOVE, Used Review: Davida Jet Mashed helmet .