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Mon, 02 Aug 2010

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Fiat Yamaha application form

Now you can take Rossi's space

The expected departure of Vale46 ™ "Fack"© Rossi from the Fiat Yamaha team at the end of the season leaves a dwarf star sized hole in the motogp stratosphere. Popular opinion places Ben Spies firmly in the saddle of the ex-yellow liveried M1, but MGPN can exclusively revel that Yamaha big bosses are worried that Ben doesn't possess the necessary character traits to step up into the role.

"Ben's a great rider" admitted our Yamaha insider, "but he talks English in a funny accent & still lives with his Mum & we're worried that our legions of Rossi fans will be unable to relate to this, especially the Italians"

With both Alonso & Lorenzo proving that winning is not the short cut to cool kudos that it once was, Yamaha have realised that popularity sells & have devised a set of 10 questions that potential applicants must answer in order to demonstrate their suitability to replace Rossi.

We've managed to obtain a set of these questions, giving you the humble armchair world champion a real chance of lining up on the grid next year alongside Casey, Dani & Hor-Hey. With grid numbers expected to be lower than the number of toes on one of Nicky's feet (7), outright riding ability has never been less important, with points being potentially available to every finisher.

Simply complete the questionnaire below & the ride could be yours

(Alternatively, if you have the desire to ride in MotoGP but not the talent you could try emailing pleasedaddyplease@abraham'

Q1 What do you like to do away from the track?
1 Relax, train, spend time with family & friends
2 PR events, interviews, bike shows, meet the fans
3 Drive car & tire brands completely un-associated with your employer

Q2 What do you feel the key to success is?
1 Hard work & dedication
2 Hard work, dedication & the warm smile of lady luck
3 The best bike, make sure you have always have the best bike on the grid

Q3 How should the bike be painted?
1 How the team decree, sponsorship is the lifeblood of our sport
2 I like something personal on there, hidden amongst the sponsors' logos
3 Yellow. Fluorescent yellow.

Q4. What do you need to bring with you to win?
1 My trainer, personal manager & dietician
2 Grit & determination
3 The entire crew from my old team, 8000 yellow cartoon stickers & a special 'friend'

Q5 What changes can we make to the bike to help you?
1 Lets work towards a base setting that gives us a starting point for each round
2 I trust your manufacturing experience to provide the best bike possible
3 You must change every single thing that has comprises your corporate identity as a manufacturer, or I'm not even sitting on it

Q6 Where do you live?
1 Monaco, ok it's an insular tax haven, but might as well be honest about it
2 I live where I grew up, ok tax is high but I'm a home town kinda guy
3 I live in a foreign land as a non-national resident & I earn €500pa. Honest.

Q7 You've won the race, how do you celebrate?
1 Return to parc ferme, give an interview & thank the team & fans
2 Pull some big wheelies & jubilantly spray the champers on the podium
3 Keep the entire paddock & TV audience waiting while you arse about on track for 10minutes looking for your mates in the crowd dressed up in silly outfits

Q8 How do you speak with journalists?
1 Answer the questions, but don't give anything away that you shouldn't
2 Get excited & overjoyed in the heat of the moment thanking everybody
3 Swear profusely & use the worldwide media to issue ultimatums to your employer

Q9 Who is the greatest rider of all time?
1 Probably Nieto
2 Probably Schwantz or Rainey
3 Me

Q10 Your entire career has focused on the quality of your rivals & the level of talent you posses in order to beat them. Now we can offer you an equal rival on an equal bike.
1 Thank you. My entire legacy rests on the outcome of this challenge
2 I've talked some talk, now I just hope I can deliver the walk.
3 Leave ASAP to a lesser team in case I end up looking stupid against an equal competitor


Mainly 1s - Thanks Sete, but previous applicants need not apply

Mainly 2s - Nicky, you're a diamond, not what we want, but all the best for the future

All 3s - When can you start?


By mark forsyth

See also: The Japanese oddity to naming teams, So that's why he's called RANDY de Puniet, GPify the Yamaha Fazer FZ8 with LeoVince.